synkende

Three things:

1) Be able to dance
2) Not first language English
3) Love me

 OK, sad to be back in England. Uni seems OK so far, just further away from the boyfriend than I'd like.

Today went to bravissimo to be measured and get a bra or 2. The lovely helpful lady would have liked to put me in a 26 which barely exist so got 28 (feeling slightly skinny now) one a almost modest 28E compared to the other one where I was a 28FF (porn star style size IMHO) but that's different brands/styles. But new bras that fit = woohoo. Unfortunately, not cheap. Not available for a fiver from primark. Lucky I don't spend much on clothes I guess, I can buy bras instead!

Anyway, that's all.

Went to see Mamma Mia yesterday. Thin on plot but really good! Not a deep intellectual film or anything like that, but very fun. Cheerful and made me all happy. Mind you, I like ABBA so I enjoyed the music and the bopping feel of it!

But I am leaving the country in about 2 weeks so I'm happy (I am returning).

Anyway I'm off to have pasta.

Boyfriend's coming over tomorrow. Very happy. He's staying for about a month. :D

I'm going to South Africa on Monday, to see my lovely and wonderful boyfriend. I am so happy and excited! All my thoughts are heart-shaped.

Shit. I think I'm addicted to my effavescent vitamin C tablets. This is rather annoying.

I have however finished making my boyfriend's birthday present (a knitted iPhone), something which I am very proud of.

Recently read through my journal and was disgusted to find how much I whine.

And that's about it, really.

- Pick your birth month.
- Strike out anything that doesn't apply to you.
- Bold the five-ten that best apply to you.
- Copy to your own journal, with all twelve months under a lj-cut.
- Tag 12 people from your friends list.

APRIL:
Active and dynamic. Decisive and hasty but tends to regret. Attractive and affectionate to oneself. Strong mentality. Loves attention. Diplomatic. Consoling, friendly and solves people's problems (I try!). Brave and fearless. Adventurous. Loving and caring. Suave and generous. Emotional. Aggressive. Hasty. Good memory (for hurts, perceived or real - I hold a grudge, not for anything else!). Moving. Motivates oneself and others. Sickness usually of the head and chest. Sexy in a way that only their lover can see.

Hey! I got into uni. That's good.

3Bs and an A in General Studies. Special consideration gave me a B in the history module I didn't sit due to illness, even though I got a U on the one that I gave up on due to the same bout of illness.

Well, Friday I went to Copacabana. It was great! Floor was dirty and not very good for dancing on, but there were some very good dancers. And I danced with some of them!

There were also a few Hen Parties going on, and one of the women was wearing a black T-shirt dress, just above the knees, with a denim waistcoat.  Bobbed blond  hair.  Not  too big on in the chest. Bopping around on her own as those who cannot salsa sometimes do. She looked amazing.

Saturday I was tired (went to bed after 4 am).

Sunday repotted (with Dad's help) my Madagascan Dragon Tree.

Today happened upon some CDs in the library (which I obviously borrowed!) by Harry and the Potters and one by Draco and the Malfoys. Not the greatest music in the history of the universe, but oh so amusing!

I love my friends. I love ice skating too. And cheesy pop music. So today was really quite lovely!

I skated backwards a bit, and I have got better at it since last time I went, but it's still a bit of a strain and tiring! But I kept feeling like there was something I'd forgotten how to do. I don't think there was, but it was annoying.

Feel kinda withdrawn/lonely/not quite there, though.

But life will be good. I want to be happy, but I do rather feel like ripping my own skin off. Just to see the blood, I think. As if my skin itches, but right to the bone.

I'll be alright, I feel better than before, but I just can't seem to shake it.

It's almost certainly just a combination of not eating properly (I've been feeling sick, Demus, don't hurt me) and stupid hormones.

Damnit. I am now hopelessly addicted to manga. Currently I love the Gravitation series. I think I may have to hold up a bank for cash to fuel my habbit.

I am so hopelessly bad at keeping a diary/journal/thing.

Ahem.

Dear Diary,
I feel a lot more cheerful than I have recently. I will try to make it last. I feel like I should be saying more, but it's not like me to feel openly. But I haven't felt the black dispair or the need to cry since Sunday, so all good.
:-)

I know I haven't updated in absolutely AGES.

So, just to let anyone who still cares know: I'm still alive.

And I have started writing again! Demus, it's all your fault!

And now I have nothing interesting left to say.

So, see ya!

Hmm...

School's strange. Or maybe it's just me. I was sad on Friday evening, because there was the whole weekend before Monday morning, which I guess is a rather weird feeling to have. But I've just really been enjoying the peace. I only have 1 lesson with close friends (history), which is lovely, but it means the other lessons are just full of learning and quietness, which is lovely. And after that talk on Thursday with my teacher, I feel a lot more optimistic about my personal study.

I've been spending all my frees in the library, which is great. It's hard to describe, but it's wonderful. And most days I have 2 frees. 2 whole hours of library wrking time.

Except for lunchtime, funnily enough. Lunchtime is good in a way, because I see a variety of friends, but... Most of last year, I think, I dreaded it, and this year too. It's just me. It's not even about the bloody food - I've been taking in my own salads, and they've been pretty good (if sometimes a bit weird!). A lot of last year I felt like an intruder, that I was listening/butting into conversations that didn't concern me and were none of my business, that my presence was a nusiance. It wasn't anyone's fault, just mine for being silly. But I grew to dislike my frees last year too - once again in peoples' company.

Now, I guess I feel the same. I love my friends, honest I do. I just never know what's going to happen - and not in a good way. I feel nervous and tense and worried that someone will end up in tears. I was OK being the one that got upset, because I know that if I'm down I'm way to sensitive, and I get down so easily. I know what the worst I will do is - I'm not 100% suicidal. At this moment in time, I know that I am not about to kill myself. But upsetting other people, especially when they're having a rough time generally is not right.

And that's it. Everything has always been perfectly reasonable to me as being just me getting hurt over something that was completely justifiable and understandable. But hurting someone like that (with an apple, which is hard and bloody violent) isn't, at least not to me.

And there's nothing I can do.

(Sorry for whinging. I'm considering buying a diary, and writing all of these whiney moments in that instead, so I don't clutter up people's flist with my silliness, but I don't know if I'll feel safe doing that. I guess I'll just try to keep it to a minimum.)

The other night I dreamt I took an overdose. Just headache tablets, nothing dramatic. But either I woke up, or I dreamt I woke up, and I was loosing the feeling in my hands and feet, and they felt all funny, and I assumed it was a side effect. But then I realised that I hadn't taken any medicine that day, so it was just a dream...

There's so many things I have to say, but the football's on in the background, and it's not going their way, and I just can't stand the tension in the room. So I'll post a drawing of a French Dalek for the hell of it, and go away for a bit.

( A French Dalek )

I just feel miserbale. That's all. I can't type and cry at the same time.

Meme, from everyone.

1. Name:
2. Age/Birthday:
3. Single or Taken:
4. Favorite Movie:
5. Favorite Song:
6. Favorite Band/Rapper/Artist:
7. Favorite Book/Comic Book:
8. Tattoos and/or Piercings:
9. Favorite TV Show:
10. Favorite Video Game/Board Game:
11. Do we know each other outside of Livejournal?
12. Would you give me a kidney?
13. Tell me one odd/interesting fact about you:
14. If you could change anything about your current life, would you?
15. Will you post this so I can fill it out for you

*thunk* *dies*

Well, I could post something deep and meaningful, but instead I am posting a picture of Dolly the Dalek, stemming from a conversation with Demus today.

( Dolly the Dalek )

I wish I could give up eating. Hell, I'm crazy! Sometimes food has appeal, but what's the point?

Some people feel guilty when they eat stuff. I feel guilty if I skip meals. I will eat food, even if I can't stomach it and throw it up later. At least I don't feel that awful guilt. Healthy eating principles have been hammered into me from a young age.

If I don't eat, I feel ill and dizzy and lightheaded and woozy. But then I desire crappy foods, which give a quick rush, and make me feel worse. And the worst thing is, I actually prefer the taste of healthy food, well-balanced, fresh stuff. But the canteen doesn't do any of that, so if I need food at school, my options are whatever I've got with me (if I've got anything), or hashbrowns, cakes and crisps, none of which really appeal, but give me a boost, even if just for a short while.

It's the weather, too. Eating's worse in the heat. Don't get me wrong, I do like food, but most things I don't love. And that's not quite enough.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/g2/story/0,,1752661,00.html

http://www.guardian.co.uk/g2/story/0,,1808171,00.html

I'm fine, honest.

Vicky's party was lovely. I was nervous before it, because I always am. I just am never sure how to act around people, especially those who I don't know very well. And then, I don't know how to act around those I do know - do I continue as before, or do I let down some of my barriers? I'm never sure how they want me to be...

Enjoyed the cocktails - lemonade, pineapple juice and champagne, yum! Watched PotC (1st one). Demus - can I borrow Benny&Joon at some point?

Visited some friends from Hawaii who are staying in York today. It was great to see them, and York!